I look back on my past entries with much amusement. And with a tinge of regret. It does not look like the blog entries of a life well lived.
Our founding father Mr Lee Kuan Yew passed away last Monday. In the days following his passing, many Singaporeans mourned and grieved. There was a unification of Singaporeans which I have never felt before. Thousands lined the streets through day and night to pay their last respects to Mr Lee. I was fortunate to be able to pass through Parliament House on Friday afternoon to say goodbye to Mr Lee. Stories were abound of considerate Singaporeans and companies who generously offered help to aid those who were standing in line - from florists offering free flowers, companies offering bottles of water or snacks - as I was standing in the priority queue on Friday, there were offers of packet chrysanthemum drinks, water, tissue, cake.
On Sunday, thousands stood through heavy downpours to bid a final farewell as the cortege made its way from Parliament House to UCC. Apparently, it was also raining in 1968 at Singapore's first National Day Parade.
It was heartwarming and gratifying to see the determination of one people, one nation, one Singapore, albeit it was brought on by a sad occasion. Mr Lee would have been proud.
Many a time, I felt a lump at the back of my throat when I read the papers and learnt about Mr Lee's softer side as a father and husband, or the efforts which he put into building Singapore up. I cried buckets when I listened to the eulogies made by his sons during the State Funeral. The only time I cried more would be at my own grandfather's funeral late last year. I never expected to be so affected by Mr Lee's passing; I assumed that I would just acknowledge it as an undeniable fact of life.
I'm not sure why that was. Maybe it was how Mr Lee has just always been there - the authoritative, larger than life figure who is acknowledged as the founder of modern Singapore. One attributes a certain immortality to him even as one recognises rationally that this is not possible. And there is a comfort in being certain that Singapore will not go (too) wrong when Mr Lee is around.
Now that farewell is forever, we have to make our way forward in this world. How that will fare remains to be seen. But what we have today is due in large part to Mr Lee's conviction, courage and vision. Thank you Mr Lee, for all you have done.
--- 10.29pm
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I'm so so so so so angry and frustrated. It's the rare 4 day weekend. I had planned to finish all my work by yesterday so I could properly enjoy the rest of the long weekend. Well. I failed. I don't know what I was doing yesterday, but I didn't finish my work.
Today, I did work from about 11am to 2pm, and then thereafter tried to watch Harry Potter on TV while doing slides for this stupid talk at the same time. That lasted until 5pm. I know I watched an episode of Running Man during dinner, until 9pm, thereafter I wasted one hour looking at ferries to Bintan and trying to book one. I HATE HATE HATEE ADMIN. Why do I still have to do it at home when I've so much of it in the office already?! We should have just flown to somewhere further for a longer period of time or not go any where at all. The ferry system is screwed up. There's no central website of comprehensive information. The booking system clearly does not work. I cannot believe I wasted one hour of my time on this.
All in all I didn't do much work today BUT I don't feel like I slacked much. I don't feel rested. I just feel so angsty that it's already the end of my 2nd day of the long weekend. Shouldn't have tried to multi-task. Even for unimportant tasks. Because you don't feel rested at all. Wanna cry already. Don't know what's wrong with me these few days. Just not right at all.
--- 10.25pm
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I think I should be alone. Maybe that's the way I can achieve the highest level of happiness in my life.
I'm a very selfish person. The extent of my goodwill and willingness to do favours for people extend to very few people. Beyond that I really don't care. I'm generally not a very nice person.
--- 10.48pm
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I'm sick of being in a long-distance relationship. I'm sick of the fact that both of us are often not there when we need the other to be. I'm sick of how my main contact with him is through skype and whatsapp. I'm sick of not celebrating Valentines' Days, anniversaries, and our birthdays. I'm sick of doing all this for almost 3 years.
And because I'm 25 this year, I can't have the sort of relationship that 18 year olds, 20 year olds have.
---11.54pm
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I just got back from my cousin's wedding.
It was awesome because the two of them are so sweet together! When I see them walking down the aisle, I really really wanted to be like that too. I think it's amazing that they've known each other for almost a decade, that they know for sure that this is the person they want to spend the rest of their life with. And the guy is so sweet to my cousin! He'll hold her waist / arm while she walks around with her long dress and make sure that she doesn't trip. :)
And when they kissed on stage, it wasn't the formal, obligatory peck I normally see, it was a really sweet kiss!
This particular cousin, I've always admired her from afar. From young I thought she was smart/pretty/successful in every aspect of her life, and I still think she is. Her husband seems to be a very nice person and she looks set for even more happiness to come.
I don't know why, but this particular wedding really left me with a feel-good vibe.
--- 12.15am
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Sometimes I am so angry with you because you make me feel so bad about myself. Why are you always the self-righteous one? F***. I refuse to apologise again and again as I have done so repeatedly for so long. I am not always wrong.
The anger pulses and radiates out and there is no way I can get it to subside. To the extent that I would scratch and hit myself just to release some of the tension.
--- 5.10pm
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I attended a wedding of a friend for the first time ever today.
She was gorgeous and I feel very happy for her. She looks so radiant and happy and I was very moved (for some reason) when I first saw her.
Rather regret not taking a photo with her. boo.
It also made me realise how fast time flies. I first knew her in 2009, shortly before she got engaged. Then, I was just an intern passing through. I didn't realise then that 3 years on I would be attending her wedding as an associate.
Who knows where we'll all be 3 years down? At the grand old age of 27 (argh).
Anyway. Congratulations E. Have a blessed marriage :)
--- 11.29pm
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It seems surreal that in about 12 hours time, I'll finally be called to the Singapore Bar as an advocate and solicitor of the Supreme Court of Singapore.
You're finally going to be a real lawyer Shu.
Most of us knew that this was going to happen ever since we accepted our offer to study law in NUS (or SMU for that matter). But I still can't believe it's happening tomorrow.
It just seems that the journey has taken so long that it'll never be complete. First it was 4 years of law school, and even upon graduating, there was Part B to go through, and then the 6 months as a practice trainee at a law firm. It always seemed like there was something more to do in order to get called. And then finally, the day is nearly upon us (assuming that nobody objects to your call during the ceremony).
I feel... apprehensive. After you get called, the shield of protection that you wear as a trainee/law student/intern/non-lawyer is gone. You're expected to know everything. You have liability. You can correspond with clients. You can sign letters on behalf of the firm. You have to attend PTCs and mentions on your own. Clients depend on you (to some extent at least). Because you're a real lawyer.
It's bloody scary. As a trainee, there's always the safety net of having an intervening associate to guide you, clear your drafts, look through your work before meeting with the partner, and basically to just tell you what to do. And because you can't correspond with clients or give advice, you're effectively in this bubble in the background where you just do whatever groundwork that you're instructed to do. And all that is just going to go away after you get called.
I'm afraid of the added expectations. I'm still the same person with the same amount of knowledge/wisdom or lack thereof even after getting called. Eg, I'm still really weak with civil procedure and take very long with my research and drafting and basically damn cui at everything. I am afraid that I cannot perform up to this higher standard expected of an associate in the firm.
But one day at a time I suppose.
Looking back, it seems like it's been such a long journey, especially the past 6 months. Law school was fine - it was 4 good years of my life (with year 3 being the best ever). Part B was nice and slack and went past in a jiffy. Training contract was a series of battles from the start which show no signs of abating. It was probably the most tiring period of my life (and yes I admit that I have led a pretty sheltered life).
A lot of regrets over decisions made, agonising over things beyond your control, bringing forth the courage to fight for what you want, and having to stand steady and continue fighting even as new obstacles are thrown at you.
Regrets aside, there have been silver linings, and times when I've actually been happy. I have, through this, met certain people to whom I will forever be grateful for.
to be continued ...
--- 11.50pm
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Has gone through the most arduous and miserable 6 months of her life :(
--- 8.07pm
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Just came back from a weekend ski trip in Nagano!
I was terribly apprehensive about the trip at first, and was totally convinced that the most skiing I would be doing would be on the noob practice slopes - I wasn't going to go up using the chair lifts!
But I wanted to go partly because KS hasn't skiied before, and I wanted to see snow and play in it too!
The overnight bus trip was alright. We reached the place at about 5.30, and I managed to get about an hour's worth of sleep before the day started proper.
KS and I were absolutely terrible at skiing. He couldn't get the hang of braking, while I was extremely inconsistent. I think we're supposed to lean forward until you feel like you're virtually falling out of your boots, but that's such a difficult and unnatural position to get in when you're picking up speed going downhill! Also, my cui right knee meant that everytime I braked I tend to turn right instead, because my left leg is so much more powerful.
Everyone had already gone up the beginner's slopes already, and we were still stuck practising the basics. Finally we decided to just heck it and go up, partially coz we were just tired of manually clomping up the hill with our skies on.
The view on the chair lift going up was absolutely gorgeous. It was so magical! You're halfway up in the air, it's a wintry white landscape all around, the air is cold and crisp, and I'm with someone very important and dear to me! :)
To cut a long story short, we took about 3 hours to get down. We were so lousy, we fell like 10,000 times and wasted so much time and energy just trying to get up! It's so difficult to stand up because your skies are on a slope and you've already started sliding even before you've put on both skies! I kept veering to the right which was so annoying especially when the right led to a steep drop/the trees/some other barrier etc.
And some portions were totally not suitable for beginners! The incline was SO steep that even without skis, you would be able to slide down by virtue of gravity alone. For one of those parts, I and KS gave up and we just sat/squatted on our skies and slid down, as if we were riding a toboggan. And when it got too fast, we just leaned towards the side and fell off.
To be continued
--- 11.47pm
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Meh. It's almost 2 years since I dislocated my knee. I'm still in bad shape. Can really just smack myself for not taking advantage of the NUS leg press and bike machine in my final year. Now can't use any more.
And as a result I can't participate in this upcoming ski trip in Japan as well. Meh.
Earlier this year I was still quite motivated to do my physio! And there was significant improvement - until I went on my summer holidays and EVERYTHING fell by the wayside. It's horrible. It's worse than ever before I think. All in the short span of 6 months. All that work for 3+ months down the drain! :(
I realise I'm very unmotivated about my own personal health. It's like part of me hopes that everything will be alright if I just ignore it. I really need to get the knee moving properly. It's way past overdue. I can't count on my youth to keep it working decently always.
--- 10.54am
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My body's degenerating. I've got small bumps and pimples sprouting all over my face like dunno what. I haven't been doing anything different! I thought all this shit ends at puberty. But I think I had better skin during puberty. I only had the occasional big red angry pimple. Other than that, it was alright.
Now they're EVERYWHERE and they just wouldn't heal! I have pimples in virgin territory like around my eyebrows for goodness sake. And after they heal, it just takes another 2 weeks before they pop up in the same spot again. shit. I hate it because it seems like nothing I do helps!! And they're causing my skin to be so blotchy and uneven such that I look like I'm 5-8 years than I actually am :(
What's with this sudden accelerated thingy! It was fine 6 months ago!
--- 1.13pm
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I'm so moody, I think I'm probably PMS-ing.
All the same it's just bad to be in such a mood when you're stuck at home studying and your boyfriend is a million miles away.
I hate that I'm so clingy/needy when he's not. Because I don't have a life of my own, so I fasten all my attention on him. And studying, of course.
And it's so hard to be supportive all the time especially when you're feeling down. It's like I don't even have the freedom to feel unhappy anymore. Because it makes him angry, irritable and I feel guilty. Story of my life.
I really did think that it was better now than before. I still miss him and stuff, but I'm not unduly sad over it. Sometimes it bugs me abit, but give me a while and it'll go away. I didn't even want to bother him with everything, because it's the same old thing over and over again and I know that I can deal with it on my own. But he presses me and all of a sudden, I'm being unsupportive and he's going to be angry if he continues.
I'm on the verge of being angry myself.
I really need something else to do with my life so it can stop revolving around him so much. It's pathetic. I go over to visit him in December, thus possibly forgoing my call break because I thought, well in July he probably wouldn't have time for a holiday anyway, and I won't have any friends to travel with. Even though July would be such an awesome time for travelling coz it's summer and warm.
If 2 years ago, someone tell me that I would be doing this, I would laugh in his/her face. Unfortunately that is how it is today.
--- 10.43pm
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A while back I used to envy this person who to me seemed to have a lot going for her. Then I decided that well, her life wasn't that fab.
Then the royal wedding came along, and I thought, omg. Kate Middleton is perfect.
And then recently I bumped into an acquaintance who also had alot going for her. Because she's not married to a prince, that makes her so much more relate-able to the rest of us. In short, she seems to have a perfect life - she's pretty, smart (insanely so), successful (career-wise), rich, happily married, husband's rich (and seems like a nice person as well), and has a cute kid (who probably will turn out to be damn smart and pwn everyone in school too). I think a few years ago, some of us had already commented on how she seems to have a perfect life and how life wasn't fair.
But anyway. Instead of being bitterly jealous, I am somehow super happy for her. I can FEEL the happiness emanating from her photos.
I think that my life is good too. While I'm not pretty or smart or rich (and my hair is falling out and my skin is horrid), but I'm not that bad! And I feel that I should be doing so much more to make sure that this is the life that I want to live, and to obtain that same kind of happiness in this lifetime. While the path to happiness might be accelerated with good genes and sheer luck, I think the rest of us can do well for ourselves too. For us, we probably just have to work harder towards that.
I was telling Shun Ting today that I think one of my greatest flaws is laziness. And along with it was also a resignation that I was not good enough as the rest. So in RJC, I didn't appeal to take an 'S' paper. My grades weren't good enough, but I have heard of other people who appealed all the way to the VP's office and got the S papers they wanted (RJ is like that). I didn't even bother. I think part of the reason was that I couldn't see a point to the S papers because I don't particularly like the individual subjects THAT much, and I didn't want the extra work and lessons (must stay back til 5pm) which came with it. I knew that you needed S papers for many scholarships, especially PSC and other statutory bodies, but I assumed that I wouldn't be good enough for them anyway.
Then I didn't take SAT IIs, because I was too lazy to study for the individual subjects. Therefore I couldn't apply to the Ivy League universities. I also didn't apply to UK universities at all, even though UK applications were made so convenient and easy by the existence of UCAS. My reason? I didn't really think about UK universities - I was too obsessed with US ones. And I was so tired by my two US applications that I didn't want to do more. I remember that Chu didn't apply to UK also, and she did a last minute application, just in time to meet the last stage of UCAS I think. I was contemplating whether I should do the same, but just dropped the idea without a clear idea as to why.
Well, in the end I got 4As for 'A' levels despite having only gotten 1A in my whole entire J2 life in RJ. So who knows - maybe if I had tried for the S papers, I could have gotten decent results for them, and then maybe I could have landed some scholarship so I would have completed my undergrad overseas and my life would be completely different.
On a separate point, I do wonder whether my life would be different if I had chosen to read law in UK. At that point in time it didn't even occur to me that reading law in UK was a good idea. I just thought that NUS would be better. After law school, I think that it's so much better to be reading law in UK. I think that it's less stressful than NUS, possibly easier in some schools (Leeds being one of them), and the whole experience is just so different. I think you can really make some very good friends there, simply because we're all in a foreign land, and people just tend to form relationships more readily. The experiences you go through to forge the friendships are different as well.
Maybe I could have gotten a first class and become a JLC! Okay that one fat hope la. Even if I get first class by some miracle, there's no way I would get past the selection rounds conducted by the Supreme Court.
But yes other than that - the people I know would be different, maybe I would have met a different guy, or none at all, or maybe the same one. And maybe my experiences there would have shown me a completely new path ahead in the future.
I think the point is that every little decision you make has the potential to change your entire destiny. It would be cool, if at the end of my life, I could see this map of where I would have ended up if I had chosen different things from the start.
I feel very happy now and full of hope! I must think hard about what I like and what I want, and work hard towards it! :)
--- 1.26am
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Haven't updated in quite a while. But quite a bit has happened in my life.
I've been going out a lot lately, because I know KS would have left for Japan by 29th September (yes he's already there), and if I don't go out with him now, I won't be able to for the next two years.
Life has been quite slack really. Part B is not that shiong (until now when I stare in horror at the number of cases on the reading list). I sleep tons everyday because classes start at 2pm or even later. This also means that I get nothing done at all during the weekdays.
My birthday has also come and gone. I had a fantastic time with KS. He sang me a birthday song at 12am on the dot! We had black pepper crab at Jumbo seafood restaurant. He knew that I hadn't had it in like 2 years and that I wanted to eat it! :) Then we chilled and had margaritas at Iguanas! Free nachos provided! Really liked the ambience. We decided to take 147 back to my place instead of the MRT even though it was longer so that we could have a comfortable ride (seated) home. Little did we expect the bus to suddenly break down at Woodleigh station. :S We had to take the MRT back in the end anyway! We then sat by the pool chatting. KS bought matcha cake from canele from me! But when we opened the really pretty looking box, we were quite stunned to see this mushed green pile. Apparently the cake melted. I have no idea why it melted. The disappointed look on KS's face was so endearing. :) But he lit a candle on it and sang me a birthday song all the same.
My hair woes are still continuing (and actually getting worse). The bald/thinning spot on my head is spreading and lengthening. It's now a bald strip. I hate to fret about such problems because it seems as if there's nothing you could do about it! Short of taking minoxidil, the only clinically proven drug to help hair loss, but even that comes at a price - $, and other side effects. I'm still reluctant to do it because it's a life-long thing. I wish that I would wake up and the problem would solve itself.
Anyway, I'm quite to see that Part B is ending. I rather do Part B than work any day, even though I still don't think Part B is well run/well taught. I'm still not prepared to work every day. It's going to be a massive shock. It does not help that training contract starts on 19th December. Meh. It doesn't even really make sense because December is court vacation and things are normally quite quiet. Yet the firm will have 40 extra trainees sitting around. (WHY NOT LET US GO FOR HOLIDAY!)
Clinging on to every free day as though it is my last (as you can see my outlook on the future is rather pessimistic)
Can't believe it's already been 2.5 months of Part B!
--- 12.21am
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I'm a bit confused.
I've taken the kind of attitude of "couldn't-care-less" as a protective armour. I can feel this visible change in my thinking and emotions. If I care less, then it would hurt less. I wouldn't be so bothered about small things and I wouldn't get upset so easily. But then, under this armour, it is so easy to forget and drift apart. It's like when you've away from CO/cheerleading a long time, you forget the love you once had for it. So you manage to convince yourself that you don't care about it anymore. And thus there exists a happy distance between two unless and until you venture back into the field to find that the love and passion was lying dormant all along.
I think that is the way with me now currently. When I'm irritated or angry, I tell myself that I don't care any more. So there's no/less reason to be irritated. But telling myself the same thing over a long period of time makes me question whether I care enough about the whole thing to continue. But when we're together, I forget all these negativity and laugh again. When I'm left alone yet again, the negativity bogs me down. I just fear that one day I will convince myself of a lie - that I truly don't care, when at the bottom of my heart, I still do.
--- 4.56pm
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Aiyo what was I thinking when I chose Advanced Corporate Practice for my elective?! Dreamt too much of going to work in the UK so thought that I should do some corporate module to gain some knowledge. Rubbish la. Learning "useful things" in school is overrated. And previous years never had any electives but still managed in their careers. Why didn't I remember this when I chose the modules!
Bleahz.
--- 11.42pm
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Oh, it's been such a wonderful (and long) day!
Today was my commencement day. And initially, I wasn't very excited about it - I thought it was just this very 'ley-ceh' thing. You know, hoods and gowns and ceremonies. Thought I would rather stay at home and watch tv. Plus, I had greater concerns (ie, I AM BALDING - more on that next time).
But yesterday night, as the day grew closer, I found myself getting a little excited about it.
Today, I had planned to be really relaxed and slack the whole day before going to the UCC. And then. I checked on my hood and gown, and decided that there were creases on the front which I would take the initiative to straighten.
For some reason (I was prolly just lazy), I didn't take out the ironing board, I just laid a tower on the bed and then laid the hood on there. I thought it would just be a few swipes of the iron, and it didn't warrant setting up the entire ironing board.
So plugged the iron thing, checked that it was hot (!) and placed the iron on the blue (silk) part... and OH SHIT there was a HUGE burn mark left there. Could even see some circles from the ironing base.
Panic mode. Ran to the maid to see whether there was a way to get it off. It was she who told me that the lining was silk (REALLY!) and so you had to iron it on like a really low heat setting! She herself took really long ironing the thing and daddy even told her to be extra careful. She even asked why I didn't go to her, for she would have told me about burning the silk! And to my added horror, we found that the iron heat went through the hood to burn the back as well. Like seriously burn. There was this bit where the fabric was melted together. And you could see it when wearing the hood.
Then I called NUS COOP and they said I could buy another hood at the UCC from 430pm onwards. So I asked my dad to pick one up for me since he works in the west and it was on the way. He reached at 4pm but it wasn't open... he only called at 4.50pm to confirm that he got it already. In the meantime I was pacing back and forth, utterly stressed out, thinking whether the guy was lying when he said I could buy the hood, and then worrying whether with the delay, I'll still be able to make it to the UCC on time for the class photo!!
Daddy reached home in super record time at about 5.15pm, and we only left at about 5.30pm after ironing out most of the creases in the hood.
Made it with a few minutes to spare for the LLB photo - spotted Sheng Rong and I think he was about to give me a friendly hug when the usher shooed us into changing because it was already last call for the LLB photo.
It was quite cool seeing so many people in blue robes at one place! Stood there for damn long while they tried to arrange people such that everyone could be seen! When Arun and Tracey walked out in their academic dress everyone whistled. And then more profs came in and there was more commentary going on. Tey Tsun Hang, Debbie Ong, Tang Hang Wu, Uncle Teo, Hans Tjio, WMS were all there! And Stephen Phua but I don't like him so. Then the Dean came and everyone clapped and cheered! He then said, "Where's Brad Pitt?" Honestly, he is always SO funny. I am so happy that he is still dean on my graduation!
The cameraman took photo after photo after photo, and it was starting to get really warm with the number of people, the long sleeves, and the robe, so it was with a collective sigh of relief when it was all done and we went back into the air-conditioned comfort of the UCC for more individual photo taking!
It was just madness trying to find people because the venue is huge and there were so many people - graduands, guests. KS arrived and my parents went up to reception to get food while I dragged him around to take photos with whoever I encounter.
Before long, it was time for us to take our seats. It was a while before the ceremony started, and I started to feel really bored/hungry. And then we had to rise for the academic procession. Haha they all just look really bored.
National Anthem, then the Dean made his speech - funny as always, he said that this was the last time he can force us to listen to what he is saying - before talking about honesty being really important. In the meantime, the camera panned several sections of the seated graduands. It always just missed me. Once it caught Alroy, and he was evidently so discomforted by it that it made everyone snigger. Shermin was on at one point in time later, and she gave a wave. Haogen too, and someone did rabbit ears behind him. Hahaha.
First up were the doctorates and masters - Chesterman did the MC-ing, and he was AWESOME at all the unusual foreign names: thai, african, indian etc. He just read it off so fluently, without any stumbles at all! But he wasn't that good at the Chinese names - couldn't do "Yu" (I thought I was gonna be Shu Yooou again), but still quite a good job at the other chinese characters! but man, there were these two china guys who were dressed in three-quarters and sport shoes respectively! It caused a bit of a stir among the crowd.
Then Dean Tan took over the mic, and when he read out Tzi Yang's looong list of prizes, everyone started laughing because of the length, and everyone gave a huge cheer when he went up on stage to receive his degree. It was the same for Zhixuan as well, and a few other well-known figures such as greg.
Soon it was my turn! There was only one mirror in the corridor leading to the stage, but there were helpers who will adjust your robe and all that. When I could see the stage, I told Jun Ming "Shit I'm quite scared suddenly". This sudden attack of nervousness was unexpected!
Then Dean Tan called my name (I barely heard it), and I walked to the centre of the stage to get my degree. Said thank you to the guy (Mr Lucien Wong), looked at the camera, and then went off. I didn't even look at the crowd, or the professors on the stage. I only saw the photographers. hahaha.
Got an instant portrait just right inside the corridor, and then exchanged the empty degree scroll I had received on stage for a copy of my true degree and transcript.
Min Joo got a good cheer as well because she was the last person to receive her degree. Haha. Then it was the valedictorian speech. As he said, it is true that I have forgotten most of my formal knowledge obtained through law school. Tort - a snail and a ginger bottle. Contract - Carbolic smoke ball. All these sounds so familiar, and so comfortable, and so long ago - and yet, not so long ago. I still find it so surreal that it was only 4 years ago when we were agonising over Donoghue v. Stevenson (and Spandeck) and the Carbolic Smoke Ball. I don't have the same impression of other seminal cases somehow. Maybe it's because they are newer/just less memorable. But yea. Those were very different times. And the shuyu then and the shuyu now has changed quite a bit. I have my own fair share of regrets (like being such a total recluse), but while I complain so much about law school and NUS, I have made some good friends (and strengthened some existing ones), and I do have some pretty good memories too.
Anyway, later, the Presiding Officer pronounced the ceremony closed, and suddenly, there was this loud CRACK, and these two big nets above opened to release gold streamers, and orange and blue balloons down upon us. I was directly underneath one of the nets, and it was totally breathtaking to see them coming towards me. I felt really really joyous at that point in time! The balloons and streamers looked so beautiful, and then everyone started kicking them up, or bouncing them around - it was a sign of happiness, of celebration, of that very moment, for we have all finally GRADUATED.
Saw Jasmine from Sec 4 Wisdom on the way out! She was a helper for the ceremony.
Then took more random photos - saw the Dean with his suit, wanted to move forward and shake his hand but he was speaking with other people. Looked for my parents, KS, and then dragged KS around taking more photos. Finally we ate. The tandoori chicken is really quite yummy!! And they had ORH NEE FOR DESSERT OMG!! I LOVE ORH NEE!!! The tray I was at had very little left, so I scooped what I could (which was still quite a bit), but there were only two gingko nuts. Then later, I found that the other tables had TONS of orh nee left. Sian. Ate a bit too fast so felt abit uncomfortable towards the end. I'm hungry now actually. boo. Even took off my shoes because my feet were starting to hurt.
And then it was time to go home.
Tonight was the result of the past 4 years' of hard work. And it also represents the end of a very important and familiar chapter of my life - formal education.
Right now, I just wanna sleep and slaaack, and not think about part b.
..........
I'm bloody bored and restless here in Singapore. Granted, I would probably have nothing to do in London, but it felt different somehow. Even watching online shows there felt different. I feel so much free-er there. Here I feel so confined to the house and the room, I don't understand it.
I really regret that I didn't take the later flight back. I don't think I would really mind staying at a hostel or someone else's place. I could have had exactly what I wished for - to go there early and to come back late, but I gave up on that chance.
Ohhh what's wrong with me. I'm so grouchy on my first day back! I was so happy those past two months.
--- 9.57pm
..........
It's been a beautiful 8 weeks. As I sit here on KS's bed watching the tube go by outside, I can't believe that this is the end of my idyllic holiday, and that I'm leaving tomorrow. I have gotten so used to living my life here, aimless as it is, going out in the day to do some random stuff, and coming back to 126A day after day (except when I'm not in the UK).
I can't believe that tonight is the last night I will spend here in this very familiar room, listening to the same familiar sounds. I will wake up tomorrow, and just leave for the airport. I think it will feel surreal to be back in Singapore.
I will miss many many things. The carefree quality of my life for one. It's good to have no commitments or things to do in your life. Nothing nagging at the back of your mind, nothing to do today, tomorrow, or for the next few weeks. And then, there's just the feeling of being in London itself. I love Hyde Park being just round the corner with its Round Pond and swans and ducks, High Street Kensington, also just a walk away with H&M being my favourite haunt. Leicester Square with all its musicals. I enjoy myself so much when watching one (except for cui ones like the Lion King).
I've gotten so used to small things here - the weather: chilly even in summer, having NO ONE blocking your way when you get off the train at a station, seeing caucasian faces everywhere, hearing the tube go by at regular intervals, having the sun still up at 9pm at night. And I've gotten used to having KS by my side so often, since I'm staying with him. He is literally the last person I see before I go to bed, and the first person I see in the mornings when I wake up. :) We do small ordinary things together such as going to Sainsbury's to buy groceries, going to the dryers with two containers' worth of clothes, setting out the bedding and the extra mattress every night etc etc. I think it is this that I will miss the most. He is the entire reason why I came to London for my grad trip anyway.
I'm a little tired - I would like to go to bed, but at the same time I don't want to, because I want to really savour my last few hours here in London. I know that it will be quite some time before I return.
Goodbye UK, it's been fabulous. Both this year and the last, and for so many different and the same reasons. I hope to see you again one day!
So now it's back to reality for me!
--- 9.10pm
..........
2 weeks after I arrive in London THEN I watch a musical. Fail.
But Wicked was awesome.
Except for the fact that this absurdly tall old woman (with two short companions) chose to sit right in front of me. Her head blocked practically my ENTIRE view of the stage.
Damn jialat, I spent the first half of the show shifting from side to side to follow the figures on the stage, and then trying to get my bag underneath my butt to elevate myself. Such a pity, because my seat was actually quite good! In the stalls, quite near the stage and centralised. I did spy a few empty seats diagonally to my left - there was a seat with like two empty seats in front of it and I was sorely tempted to move to that one because I would be guaranteed a lovely view. But the straitlaced hum person in me who was brought up to follow the book didn't dare to move (even during the intermission) on the off-chance that the rightful owner of said seat would claim it and then it would be SO embarrassing especially if it occurred during the show because it means that I would have to move back to my original position, thus potentially ruffling a lot of feathers along the way.
But yes, back to the musical. It was lovely, fun and lighthearted. I love the whimsical costumes which are so reminiscent of Oz. And the backdrops as well!
The performance of Defying Gravity by Elphaba was probably the most spellbinding scene for me. I was just watching with my mouth partially opened hahaha. It was powerful, the levitation was amazing, you can't help but be captured by Elphaba and Elphaba alone.
It helped that she was levitating off the stage so I wasn't craning my neck to see her!
All in all I enjoyed myself very much! I like the story as an accompaniment to the traditional Wizard of Oz. Elphie is a good person! :) The audience gave the cast a standing ovation at the end!
Feels good to be in London!
--- 11.59pm
..........
Touched down in London 2 nights ago, and went to watch the Royal Wedding procession today!
Decided not to camp overnight because I've got the damn flu and anyway. It is FREEZING outside at night. And I didn't pack for that kind of weather.
I woke up today at 6am, and then went back to sleep until 7am. And I decided that I MUST go and try for a spot along the wedding route or I will regret it for the rest of my life.
Initially, I wanted to sneak out and leave KS alone despite his promise yesterday night to bring me there - he was so tired the poor thing, and he had exams to study for.
But he woke up and made himself bring me there.
When we alighted at St James' Park station, you could already feel the atmosphere and excitement. There were other people who had the same idea as I did, and we all just walked into the Park towards Buckingham Palace together. Along the way, there were many people dressed in various union jack costumes, people selling the official programmes (KS got me one! :)), etc etc. I felt really excited and happy and not at all tired or cold even though it was typically early in the morning for me!
Along the Mall, it wasn't as packed as I thought it would be. Probably about 5 or 6 people deep from the barrier? But being the shortie that I am, I couldn't see a THING. The brits are all SO tall. So KS suggested that he go back home to grab a foldable chair so that I could stand on it and see above the heads of others.
Thank you momo!
That chair was the best idea of the day! It gave me a great view of everything! We were standing there along the Mall just opposite Clarence House, so we could see Prince William depart and everything. Of course, there was some waiting involved - but since we weren't there since like 5 in the morning, it was more tolerable! The crowd was so enthusiastic, we waved to the buses of guests, and even cheered on the passing garbage truck. The driver waved to us in reply! It was all REALLY good fun.
At some time past 10, the Prince finally came out in his limousine!! But the view of him was so fleeting because the car went past SO quickly, and anyway, his ceremonial uniform and hat sort of obscured his face a bit.
A little more waiting and TADAH the queen is out! Also in a limo, but so very much noticeable because she was in bright yellow and she was turned towards me!! She looked really cute heheh.
And after that was the bride of course! Could catch just that glimpse of her dress as she zoomed past.
The service in the Abbey was broadcast live throughout the route, so we could hear what was happening there. Cheers went up when William and Kate pledged themselves to one another and when the Archbishop pronounced them man and wife. When the British national anthem came on, the spirit was SO amazing. Everyone sang with pride and gusto, and there was a sea of waving union jacks as far as the eye could see. I was trying to take down the scene on video, but I didn't press the record button. How stupid!!
After that, the service ended relatively quickly, and we all waited for the carriages to come back. It was the moment I've been waiting for, it was what I have come here to watch!!
And soon enough, I saw glittering movement in the distance, and it was the calvary horse guard (I have no idea what you call it), and then following them was the carriage with the newlyweds!! OHHHH they looked SO lovely, Kate was brilliantly gorgeous, and the carriage really looked splendid. In all the excitement, KS decided to join me on the chair and almost toppled me over; I was perched so precariously I thought I might fall onto the lady in front of me!! And he took a really good picture of the couple. Or rather, what would have been a really good picture if not for the fact that (1) Prince William's waving hand partially obscured Kate's face, and (2) somehow it was the people in the BACKGROUND who were in focus, and the newly weds and the carriage were blurred as a result!! But oh well. I was there to see them live, and better photos could be just snatched off the net.
:) And we also saw the carriages carrying the flower girls, pages, Prince Harry and Kate's sister, and then the queen again in her coach!
After that the two of us tried to act smart and moved really quickly to try and get to Buckingham Palace to watch the waving and the kiss (or kisses as time would show). But it was insane, and there were so many people it was all so clogged up, we decided to just let it go and go home. After all we couldn't see ANYTHING, and even if we did, they would be so minute it would quite worthless.
That said, making our way to the nearest tube station isn't the easiest thing too because of the sheer number of people trying to do the same thing. On the way to Victoria station, we were outside a pub when we heard a roar, and saw the fly past right in the sky above us! As the man on the street said, we were just in the right place at the right time (and he proceeded to give us samples of Twinnings royal wedding tea).
:) So it was a REALLY good day. I had like a 6 hour nap after that, it was decadent. I really really enjoyed myself. It wasn't the swarming, pushing, horrid, people-swearing experience I thought it would be. It was generally quite civilised. We all just stood and tried to get the best view we could (save for the bunch of Americans who were behind me and wouldn't let KS join me because he's tall and would block their view). No one complained, the weather was not bad (if it was in Singapore I would have been swearing and cursing 10 minutes into waiting). I really did enjoy myself today!!
I LOVE LONDON!
--- 11.59pm
..........
Is now in a phase of life where England has become my second love of my life. But this is destinied to be a sad tale of unrequited love.
--- 6.51pm
..........
I am suffering from Royal Wedding Fever and I do believe I have a crush on the royal couple, and am even a little jealous of Kate.
Okay, maybe more than a little.
--- 1.01am
..........
"Why got flower?" "Give you"
"my xiao mo is a very pretty girl today"
:)
--- 12.17am
..........
We love each other, but we don't truly understand the other. In many ways we're direct opposites. We don't do what the other person likes or needs.
He doesn't understand my worries, what he takes for granted, is exactly what I'm all hung up about. He rarely says the right thing at the right time - I have to tell him what to say, and he has to make a conscious effort to say it.
So that means that we are a poor match. I feel so envious looking at all the loving couples in the world. It's not only that they are genuinely in love with each other, but they click together so well. There's hardly effort involved in being together because the fundamentals of these two people work well together. They suit each other. They understand each other's fears and needs. Therefore they can trust the other to be the one they want to spend their lives with.
We're not like that. Deep down inside I am so afraid that everything is going to end. Most of my unhappiness during this past year came from him, but yet the thought of everything ending makes me even more sad. It's quite confusing.
Sometimes, I do wonder whether the best lifestyle for me is to live in a secluded cottage somewhere with cats and dogs. I don't think I will be particularly happy, but there will be alot less to be sad over either.
Maybe that's what life is all about. To have all these ups and downs. That to experience both is to live, so much more than if it were one flat line in between.
--- 12.52pm
..........
I love Prince William and Kate Middleton!
I don't care if I sound like a teenager. I FEEL like one. SO THERE. hahaha
*twirls around*
--- 12.01am
..........
Super sian. I ordered like $39 worth of My Beauty Diary masks, and thus was entitled to free SmartPac packaging and handling. I am a suaku person who didn't know what SmartPac is, and I thought it was just like some kind of atas packaging, and that the shop owners were just earning some extra through handling fees and such.
Given the size of my order, I then opted for registered post, which cost $2.50 extra.
And I just realised that SmartPac itself is a delivery service offered by Singpost which ALSO allows tracking!!! AHHH. And to this end, I vaguely remember Sunnanz saying that they were going to change to SmartPac to the increased incidence of lost normal mail. That makes sense now.
But it also means that I paid $2.50 for nothing! Stupid me. $2.50 is about 1 pound! Which could be used to like, offset the shipping cost of this SUPER pretty dress I'm eyeing. I could get 25% off it so that it costs 15 quid (reasonable!) BUT shipping alone to a UK address is $3.95. And it's a little counterproductive to buy more items just to split the shipping costs when you don't really have anything that you REALLY want. You end up just wasting more money. Like my previous order la. I shouldn't have bought my stuff then, because it's STILL on sale now. Can just combine postage. Sigh. And I'm worried that it won't fit properly. It should, going by my past purchases in UK, but you never know.
It's truly a GORGEOUS dress and I need to make up my mind soon! If I was going over within 28 days I would just buy because I can just return if it doesn't fit!!
Oh my I really miss Leeds. Just walking into the town centre, and shopping. Returning stuff is a breeze. Not so many people either. In London, exciting though it may be, you have to take the tube to travel everywhere. So you incur additional costs on your shopping spree.
--- 3.09pm
..........
I really really regret not doing my Business and Finance research paper presentation on the 21st March!!
Gar. I didn't put it on that date because it was just one week after my takehome for International Patent Law ends.
So for the past two weeks I haven't done anything Business and Finance related - just family law. And that's just trying to do up the tutorials. Now that it's so close to exam (3 weeks!), I find that I have forgotten all the stuff that I have read for the tutorials, and really should read everything again - which just means double work!
Sigh.
Parkinson's Law: Work expands so as to fill the time available for its completion. The Stock-Sanford Corollary to Parkinson's Law reads, "If you wait until the last minute, it only takes a minute to do." If a task can expand to fill the time allotted, then conversely, the effort given can be limited by limiting the allotted time, down to a minimum amount of time actually required to complete the task.
And again from wiki: Student syndrome refers to the phenomenon that many people will start to fully apply themselves to a task just at the last possible moment before a deadline. This leads to wasting any buffers built into individual task duration estimates
I think I have proven that time and time again! Phooey.
Argh. I should have self-imposed that deadline on myself. Oh well too late!
--- 10.51am
..........
I hate it that after so long I still have such expectations once in a while, and I get so crushed when they are dashed.
Like, I would always look forward to Skype calls because they're the one occasion where I can talk to KS for more than 15 minutes. And I like having fulfilling conversations that brings a smile to my face after an hour such that I never want it to end.
And so when the conversation turns out to be far from that, I'm bitterly disappointed. Firstly, when the other party keeps getting disconnected whenever you're in the middle of saying something (this happened at least 6 times I swear), it's bound to take a toll on you. And I wasn't very chirpy today to begin with. Blame it on hormones, whatever. And then you get sian after the like third time you got interrupted. But you try not to be sian because the other party says that it's pointless to continue the conversation if I am sian. And by this time the other party is evidently sian also. So there's really no bloody point. The whole past hour I don't know what the heck I was doing except for say the first 15 minutes.
And then I'm also trying to be supportive by NOT being unhappy or sian, and it's so truly frustrating that you can't be those things because he's so busy, he doesn't have the time to be there, he cannot handle it right now. So I'm blogging because I need an outlet and he can't be that outlet. He can only be there for my happy moments.
I feel so bitterly disappointed and a bit angry somehow. Very inexplicable. I think it's really partially due to PMS - I'm actually shedding tears for this stupid thing. I was looking forward to this since he called and said he'll be on Skype after skyping his parents. Then it turned out like that. If we didn't end the call when it did, it would have escalated into another argument about nothing. As usual.
Oh f***. I just realised that I accidentally bent my hoya kerii when haphazarding placing my laptop sleeve on the table in the afternoon. the tip of the sleeve was leaning on it. SHIT LA. Nothing is going my way.
I CAN'T GET ANY BLOODY THING RIGHT.
--- 11.59am
..........
I am so angry that I can't get to sleep! After lying on the bed for 2 hours. But I don't feel like doing anything else.
Only online because suddenly my computer resumed on its own. Kinda scary to realise that the screen was suddenly bright.
In such a sian mood even though I started out rather happy today because I am done with two mods.
--- 12.18am
..........
I really should be quite free and up to date with my work but I'm not! I'm very behind in Family Law and Business and Finance for Lawyers.
Having taken two electives, it means that I don't have to do any current readings for them. So I should have a lot of time for my other two modules!! And well, it's not like I did a lot of reading for my intensives. I didn't read for TCL at all. In the end it wasn't necessary also because I came up with my own topic.
I remember feeling quite free after the intensives ended. I think I should have chionged my family law then.
But somehow I'm still stuck at the computer everyday. I ought to be finishing my work with time to spare slacking around!
Hmm. I think one reason is that I don't work productively. I intersperse all the random slacking, checking out facebook, with doing work. HMMM. Okay, takehome is out this weekend, and Wed tutorial is being shifted to a Friday. It SHOULD be a very good week then. I must buck up so that I can really truly enjoy any freedom I do have.
And of course, another reason is spending way too much time on writing my TCL essay. While I would spend an average of about a week prepping per exam, I took like 3 weeks to write the essay. Kept dragging my feet over it even though technically it could have been done in like 1.5. Sian. Got another essay to do for Business and Finance for Lawyers.
Time is just passing waaay too fast :( I wish I could just finish everything chop chop and slack happily!
--- 12.19am
..........
"Shouldnt child bearing be a form of National Service for women?"
I wanna whack this guy.
And every other guy who's wimpy enough to think that they've gone through shit just because they have to do NS.
Childbearing >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> NS.
1. NS is over in 2 years. Process of childbearing is 10 months, but the consequences last forever, every single day of your life.
2. Do these guys even know how painful giving birth is. I don't think anyone of them vaguely understands. It's more of a "oh yea it's painful", the same way you react to a knife stab. But no guys. It's more painful then sustaining major injuries in an accident. You can't bloody pass out from the pain/numb the painful area entirely because you've got to PUSH the baby out. And have you ever seen the size of a newborn baby? I assure you that the vaginal opening is WAY smaller than the baby's head and shoulders. Even men should know this. It's damn common sense. No matter how much the cervix dilates blah blah blah, there's a limit to how much it can 'expand'. So the baby essentially tears through you (so doctors actually CUT through the woman's perineum to reduce the chances of tissue damage). Imagine having a watermelon crammed through your mouth. Uh huh.
Stupid moronic guys. Honestly. I think a lot of problems in the world can be solved if men can give birth like women do. I don't think they'll be that egoistical then.
--- 12.43am
..........
I have so many scars down the back of my legs due to incessant scratching.
And my face is quite bad too. I'm starting to see faint lines below my eyes, and around my mouth. I have a lot of uneven skin tone all over - especially my nose. I just look haggard and awful overall.
Sigh. Everyone around me has really nice skin.
Even LWK. Who is quite old if I'm not wrong, but she does look relatively young.
I was looking at jc photos and it wasn't so bad then! Much has changed in 4 years.
--- 10.08am
..........
I could kill myself for not arranging my time better. I should really have forced myself to finish Transnational Criminal Law within 2 weeks, so that I would have time to do my other very necessary things now.
It just hit me that I have slightly less than a week to prep for International Patent Law take home exam. While I did study some of it during the week before reading week, (1) it's not internalised at all and (2) the earlier topics are all the easier ones (and many parts are actually not tested so I didn't read that much).
And there is the accounting quiz on Monday. And the Family tutorials which are just going to keep going. And of course the Business and Finance readings which I have to do on my own because apparently the tutor will not/cannot teach them.
I really should have stuck to my original plan and made sure I was well ahead on Family Law. Before Chinese New Year, when it was still early to start on the essay or the takehome exam, and we were still on track for Business and Finance (so that I wasn't lagging behind), I actually wanted to do a re-enacment of J2, where I went crazy and was like a month head of my tutors for maths tutorials. That didn't materialise despite the rather many opportunities for me to do so - there was Chinese New Year week, and reading week, during which there were no tutorials, and therefore offered me the opportunity to be two weeks ahead of the class. Sigh. Somehow Chinese New Year this year was really busy, despite it being a long weekend. I had no heart to do homework at my grandparents' place, and then I was sick on Saturday I believe.
So anyway the stress is on.
I have just spent like 4hours doing the citations for my essay. Oh gosh. Universal Declaration of Human Rights, GA Res. 217(III), UN GAOR, 3d Sess., Supp. No. 13, UN Doc. A/810 (1948) anyone?
--- 1.41am
..........
I never knew you had to wear sunscreen even when staying indoors the whole day. OMG.
Shit la I'm already turning 23. It's DAMN OLD. When I was 19, I was like oh okay still got time to do skin care, still young anyway. When I was 21, I felt okay it's time to really take care of your skin. But then I went on exchange... and got damn lazy even though I did start using toner (irregularly).
Sian. So even if I start protecting now, I'm not protecting the young youthful skin I would like to have. Coz my skin is cui! Boo. I have super a lot of whiteheads and there's only like two patches of nice flawless skin on my face. My forehead is SUPER bad because of all the breakouts it has gone through since I obtained a fringe.
Really should have started when I was 18 or 19!! I don't remember being so bothered by my skin then. I had my pimple moments but I didn't look old and tired.
RAWR sunscreen search is ON.
--- 1.23pm
..........
I really appreciate how Prof Debbie Ong takes the time to learn the faces and names of the students in her class.
Can't say the same for my other seminar tutors. I think even in certain Year 2 tutorials (ie where class size is a LOT smaller), the tutor doesn't know who I am/my name.
She's quite a nice person. And I like her dress today. Empire-waisted black and white printed dress with a hanky hem. Waist and hem trimmed with black.
Maybe all family law tutors are just nice people in general. I mean. You can't really teach family law and exhorts all the values it emodies without believing in them.
--- 10.03am
..........
I feel very sian suddenly. Not happy.
Running out of things to say.
--- 8.55pm
..........
I very happily did not do much work at all this week.
I slept WAY TOO MUCH, waking up at 1pm almost every day. I tried to get up earlier, I truly did. I set my alarm for 11am and put it on my desk, but I actually walked towards it, hit snooze, and went back to sleep. I snoozed it again and again for about 3 times before switching it off and giving in to the huge inertia and lethargy in me.
That's probably why I did so little work. I know that if I had really concentrated, I could probably finish my work earlier on and happily slack 100% for a day or so, but darn. I just can't do that. I have to go visit some random website/check facebook in the midst of studying. Quite bad really.
And now it's officially Saturday morning. And I realise that I have really a lot more to do. Just remembered that the Business and Finance tutorial is on Monday - and I haven't read the bit about cash flow statements. Tried to read today but nothing went in. Also need to do my Family Law tutorial in great depth because I'm on call. And I really should preferably read and do the second tutorial otherwise I will be lagging again. Sigh. To think that I had aimed to be ahead of the Family Law tutorials by catching up this week! Great plans gone awry by procrastination. Oh and the Transnational Criminal Law essay. I spend SO MUCH TIME staring it and trying to rewrite it. I think I just don't have the creative capacity to write a paper. I spend so much time and produce so little results at the end of it. But still it must be done.
My last recess week ever! :( So scary. Normally I spend it chionging some essay or another because they are always due after the recess week. This time, I did write my essay and did a little bit of preparation for my quiz and the takehome exam, but I don't feel as stressed out as last time. Or maybe I'm just suppressing it.
I've decided to sleep in tomorrow! No alarm to try and wake up early. Basket. That's what I've been doing wrong this whole week. Trying to wake up early and actually end up more tired!
--- 2.47am
..........
I had a very good time today with Mathew. Which got even better when he bullied Ashley into coming along.
Basically I was just ranting about my premature end to my cheer career, and how I should and could have done things differently in year 1, so that my life will not be so unexciting now.
He was totally unempathetic and SO MEAN but that is just Mathew. Got to brush it aside.
But we are both equally mean when it comes to something else. It-that-shall-not-be-named. Although it has been a while, it was damn good bitching about it with him. A very cathartic experience (I believe everyone needs to rant once in a while). Because he understands my pain. And frustration.
Then at Coffee Club he bullied Ashley to come down after her driving despite her saying that she's tired and had to chiong assignment. It was practically duress. How could one say no to something along the lines of "Eh we said we would wait for you already, we even ordered something to keep the table open. How can you not come after this! And I already promised to help you with your assignment!".
I haven't seen Ashley in a looong time. Not since I left for exchange! I think got 2 years? Maybe slightly less than that. She has grown to be a more cynical and jaded. Which is something to be expected. But still nice under everything. She brought a lot of stories to the table and it was really fun catching up.
So thank you to the both of you for making my evening today so fun!
Now, back to my unexciting life.
--- 1.14am
..........
Men can be so infuriating.
Especially when they totally fail to understand women, and continue to insist on their POVs (which is so obviously flawed from my point of view).
And me being me, if someone keeps on picking away at a certain point, and I keep arguing against it, I blow up after a while. I HATE IT when people do that.
My concentration for work is totally gone.
--- 12.24am
..........
I'm listening to Cheryl Cole's Fight for this Love now. And oh gosh, the onslaught of sensation.
It's one of those rare songs in my life that actually brings back memories by making me remember how it felt like when that memory was made. I know. This sounds iffy. And I can't relate to a specific moment or memory that is triggered by this song. It's just a general feeling.
A feeling of being back in my room in Leeds, listening to this song while surfing the net/doing my work. A feeling of dancing in the club and singing along with the girls when it comes on. A feeling of singing along when it comes on in the cheer gym. A feeling of shopping in H&M Leeds Shopping Plaza and looking at this red military blazer that was made so hot by Cheryl Cole in that very song.
And a feeling of anticipating my first cheer competition, and just loving it all.
Pretty good for a song huh.
--- 11.09pm
..........
I used one whole f***ing day to read ONE chapter of my family law textbook. Without any full cases.
I'm bloody frustrated and uncommonly close to tears.
--- 12.24am
..........
I hate it when the house phone rings. This is because it is never for me, but I am always expected to pick it up because somehow I'm always in the living room whereas everyone else is not.
It is super jarring and disrupts my train of thought when I am working (especially when that train is so tenuous nowadays).
And when it happens for about 3 times in less than 2 hours, it becomes SO irritating.
--- 3.59pm
..........
Some people are born with that innate charisma by which everyone is drawn to. Or maybe they develop that particular charm through the very unique and different experiences of their lives. Or maybe it's a little of both.
There's something about reading the blog of someone who appears to be so. Popular, outgoing, having practically everything going for her, but sounds so real through her words.
I think what struck me most is how much she loves. Her family, her friends, her life, herself. It manifests itself in every post detailing the different aspects of her life: CCA, hall life, school, family, friends, even through stressful times. She seems unbelievably positive and with such a huge appetite for life. I really admire how she really chooses and works to make her life what she wants it to be. No matter how hard it is. And as such she has been fun since primary school, as she sees it.
--- 11.54pm
..........
It's such a lovely peaceful day. The sun rays reflected off the swimming pool, no noisy kids spoiling the quiet, the rustle of the leaves and the lapping of the water in the breeze...
Everthing is so relaxing!
You know, I think being relaxed is really a state of mind as opposed to your circumstances. During exchange, technically I didn't have to do a lot of work. There should have been a lot of time for me to wander around, take a bus to the Yorkshire Dales, eat icecream and walk around town... But I seldom did that.
Looking back I really don't know why I coop myself up in my room for such long stretches of time when I really didn't need to! The inertia perhaps. And it was too soon for me to truly discover what freedom meant. Ah. The things I could have done!!
I really wish I could find a place to stay for two weeks in London without disturbing KS! I will explore the place by myself. Two weeks sounds about right really. Then the mad rush travelling will start.
--- 1.59pm
..........
I am really starting to regret taking Business and Finance for Lawyers. There are so many components. Yes I knew of this, but I thought they would be manageable because well. Why wouldn't it be.
Then someone called Stephen Phua comes into the picture.
I finally understand why people cringe/have a funny expression on their face when you mention his name in front of them.
I have no respect for this guy at all.
He is the course convenor of the course - but he only shows up for ONE lesson to tell you about what the course is about, blah blah. Ie. INTRO. After that, he never appears again, until you have to do an oral presentation in front of him.
And speaking of oral presentations, it has to be wither 21st March or 18th April. 18th April is reading week. WTH. The quality of law school is such that I have never ever had the need to come back during reading week. Reading week is meant for revision. And so it should be left untouched. Dude. Everyone is given the same amount of time to finish their lessons. There is really NO reason to schedule lessons during reading week.
Secondly. The topic for the research project just makes me boil. It's on STAGFLATION. I don't even know what is that before he threw this onto us. You wanna do research on that? You better already know some economics, be familiar with the financial market etc etc. All of which is not me. The objective of the course, is to be able to understand and read a company's annual general report. How does that tie in with things like "buying gold as a hedge against inflation" subsumed under "stagflation".
What is this. I have to pick up so much knowledge on my own that is NOT EVEN RELATED TO THE COURSE. And get this: Copyright has to be waived.
Someone told me that it is his way of exploiting students. Using their research/research ideas, for his own purposes. Well. I can see why people think that in view of all that is written above: some chim obscure topic + waiver of copyright + no teaching. Of course, this is just my own conjecture.
But it's enough to make me very angry. I'm really going to end up failing this mod. I should really have taken KR modules, heck the components, and heck the memory work. The amount of work done:grade obtained ratio, is DEFINITELY, SIGNIFICANTLY lower than that here in law.
I wish I had gone ahead and done nation building like what I was thinking of. The components and memory work and sheer boring content scared me away.
Well. So I chose IT Law and it turned out to be terrible terrible. I tried to get FA but failed. I should have emulated Sam and begged at the Dean's Office for it. Begging works.
I really need to be, how to say. Less moral about a lot of stuff. Don't follow the rules. It seems to pay off better.
--- 2.29pm
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It really rubs off on me when he's not in a good mood. I can hear it, I can sense it. I try to be jovial at first but it inevitably just dies away.
But of course everyone has the right to feel lousy. I feel lousy now. My way of dealing with it is to keep all to myself and keep away from human contact.
And because I'm just feeling totally sian, I decided that I don't want to buy that H&M dress I've been eyeing since I was in the UK and Budapest. It's available online and I've got a 25% discount code for it. Wouldn't have bought it without the 25% coz it isn't worth it once you factor shipping in. It should be the other way round right. Because you're in a bad mood, so you're supposed to buy something nice to make yourself happy?
oh well.
--- 9.55pm
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I was at the last lesson of Transnational Criminal Law today... and I really shouldn't have gone :(
There were so little people there and I didn't listen to a huge chunk of it (the institutions) because it was super boring and it didn't take a lot for me to drift off.
That was my last ponnable lesson in my entire life!! BOO. I wish I had skipped more lessons. I like having the freedom to do that - but that obviously is not going to happen in work.
The school is hosting a collegiate dinner for the year 4s. It just suddenly hit me that well, it is going to end really soon. In the blink of an eye. We are graduating, and leaving this place. We are leaving formal education and entering the workforce. And at this, I suddenly felt a little sad, nostalgic... no matter how much I complain about NUS, and the work, and about how I don't have friends, am so sick of everything... but at the end of the day, I did spend 3 years of my life here - and it IS that last stop (for now) in the education system. That last stop. What am I going to do now? I almost feel like it's an end of an era. Studying is what I've been doing from day 1 (of primary 1 at least). I've been doing that for 16 years. How am I supposed to do something else now? This is way bigger than moving from stage to stage in the education system. We leave the system, to enter a whole new race.
It's scary. And. It's not exciting. Not to me. Going to university, going on exchange blah blah, is scary and exciting. Not going to work. It's too different. It's a total lack of freedom... for a good 40 years at least. No matter how I look at it, that doesn't look good.
But that day will come... And in the meantime, I will just continue as a student. Revel in my now 9h day week. I really wish this was exchange so I can just let go and do whatever I want heck the consequences, skip many lessons, go party, go cheerleading, dancing, travel... It seems like these few months will be the last time I can do all these things. So many things... so little time. 3 more months.
--- 10.32pm
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Sometimes. I can be a very mean person. I criticise anything and anyone, whether it's done internally or voiced out to someone.
But then sometimes, days later, I wonder, what's the point of getting so worked up about someone/something who doesn't have the power to affect you unless you let them have it? Their happiness is none of your business anyway.
So I sort of hover between two sides. I'm damn irritable at times, and can complain til the cows come home, and at others, I'm just "dunno dun care".
I'm in the former mood right now. International Patent Law is not helping one bit. It's so boring and I can practically feel myself getting more stupid while others are just warming up to the game. And then someone talks to me online and I just feel vexed by the fact that I'm no longer alone in my private space.
Well. I could provide an excuse for the unreasonable behaviour. I think I'm PMS-ing. The pimples and ulcers are starting to come on. yikes.
Just had some chocolate. But I don't feel happier. Roar.
I really miss SN times. And England.
--- 3.31pm
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I'm suddenly in a bad mood.
There was a child crying and crying outside, I was damn frustrated, and I got even more irritated by very little things. Like my brother. Who acts like it's a chore to come out of his room and answer questions regarding his phone when we're trying to fix it for HIM.
And now I think that school is so stupid, why is the stupid stupid tutorial never ending and so bloody repetitive. ARGH.
--- 10.34pm
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I am very disappointed. And sian. It seems as if, all the not-so-good stuff just happens to all fall at the same time.
I didn't get FA, my light spoilt and I'm not sure whether I can replace it with the same warm white coloured light, someone very important to me lost control and did something that I didn't like...
I'm not that concerned about the first two, because (1) I sort of expected that I won't be able to get FA,and (2) having a spoilt light really is a minor thing. But (3), which I just got to know of today, is really disappointing. When I first heard of it, I was very concerned, then I got a little angry, and now, I just don't want to think about it. I don't want to have that particular image in my mind because it goes against many things which I like and respect about this person. If it had happened to any other person, I wouldn't really have bothered, and indeed, some people might say that I am indeed over-reacting. And maybe I am; maybe I have very high expectations of the people I love...
But it's SO stupid! I just cannot understand nor justify the lack of self-control.
I really thought this would be a good weekend, and I can tie up some loose ends like grad trip and stuff, but I don't think that's going to materialise.
--- 6.21pm
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It's a BRAND NEW YEAR guys.
Spent a fantastic day counting down at Shun's house with the girls. We watched Pirates I, and II (well part of it while playing mahjong), and stayed up until 4am before catching 5 hours' worth of sleep.
It was so nice doing this! Watching the countdown on TV, I'm ever so glad that I wasn't one of those people squeezing at marina bay etc. Dressed in FBT shorts, cutting short our mahjonh game when realising that we are 3 minutes left towards countdown, and then running around like clucking chickens to "get ready"... We didn't have a clue on what to do, but somehow the idea came out that we were going to make icecream floats and toast them in cheers at 12.00am 1st January, and ahem, sing Auld Lang Syne :) So Shun was running to get the drink and pouring it, and I was scooping icecream, and we were all sitting there with our floats but SHUN WAS NOT THERE she was washing 5 spoons for eating the floats and we screamed "SHUN TING HURRY UP!!" and she ran back - and dropped the spoons on the dirty mahjong table. Haha it was hilarious.
Well 3 minutes is really short, so before long, it was 10, 9, 8... and HAPPY NEW YEAR!! Cheers to all.
After that we continued with our mahjong game and talk cock sing song session. We talked about the most significant event of the now past 2010 - For me I said it was probably being in England - I dislocated my knee, got my stuff stolen abroad... and also got together with Kee Sheng! Yep. 2010 was epic... the first half anyway. I felt that I have changed a fair bit - my friends say that I have a more xiao nv ren feel to me which would have been unimaginable in the past. I'm mildly amused.
After waking up today, we went to Macs for breakfast. And promptly spent about 2 hours reminiscing about old times. I have known these people for 9, 10 years. That's a decade. I feel so old. But I feel so thankful to have these friends. I can be myself with them and not worry about whether I'm presentable, being politically correct, etc. I'm really grateful for them.
As I am for my family, and my boyfriend - for always being there for me, and putting up with all my nonsense. My life is so much more fruitful because of you guys.
Happy New Year!
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